Yes you heard that right! Come to the beautiful Grand Cayman Islands and you can witness this extraordinary sight for yourself. Just offshore, 30 feet below the surface surrounded by beautiful coral reefs, you’ll see tourists from around the world explode in brilliant 3D.
That is an excerpt from a flyer being mailed out globally via postal mail and email from a new start up venture EUT Inc. The mainstream product of this new company? Exploding people underwater for profit. Our very own John Clemmens was able to get this exclusive interview with President and CEO of EUT Inc. Mr. Vlacar DeNostri.
JOHN CLEMMENS: Why explode tourists underwater?
MR. DENOSTRI: Several reasons actually. Most importantly it’s a lot easier to clean up. The sharks and fishes do most of the work. All we have to do is strain off some surface scum, much easier than if we blew them up on land.
Second, exploding them underwater is a lot quieter than surface detonations. In fact, all you hear on the surface is a slight pop. We felt that it would become annoying to other tourists and the locals if we set off several hundred explosions per day on the surface.
Finally, explosions underwater have a distinctive quality to them that is lacking in surface explosions. They’re more clearly defined. Due to the nature of the detonation underwater it is of far superior resolution to the surface.
JOHN CLEMMENS: Could you explain the detonation process?
MR. DENOSTRI: Certainly. To begin with the tourist is fed high quantities of a special blend of a nitro glycerin derivative called LS-1 that is inert until passed through an intense magnetic field. The LS-1 passes through the stomach and is absorbed into the blood stream intact. This process takes approximately 3 hours. Then we can control the areas of detonation with the magnetic field.
JOHN CLEMMENS: You can control the area?
MR. DENOSTRI: Oh yes. We can select an arm or a leg, the head or abdomen, or any combination of parts, even the whole body at once. That’s the key to the whole business. People will come again and again to see the tourists explode in different ways, always hoping to see a new detonation. It’s a lot like little kids buying box after box of Fruity Pebbles to get all the dinosaurs.
JOHN CLEMMENS: I see, so you have a lot of repeat business?
MR. DENOSTRI: Most people will come to view 5 – 6 detonations during their stay.
JOHN CLEMMENS: How many people come to each detonation?
MR. DENOSTRI: On the average about 50 people can adequately view a detonation. We run 5 detonations an hour at 10 sites. So that’s about 2500 people per hour.
JOHN CLEMMENS: That must pretty lucrative.
MR. DENOSTRI: At $85 per person!? In an 8 hour day we gross $1.7 million and that’s not counting the merchandise. Almost everyone buys at least a photo or a T-shirt.
JOHN CLEMMENS: How many operations do you plan to setup? How many do you have now?
MR. DENOSTRI: Well right now we have just the one Cayman Island operation. We are planning to take it to other non-stateside locations as soon as we clean up the paperwork.
JOHN CLEMMENS: Why non-stateside?
MR. DENOSTRI: Well you see, what we do isn’t exactly smiled upon by current U.S. law. We have extensive lobbying going on trying to change that, but until new legislation is passed we have to restrict operations to small countries in high tourist zones that are willing to overlook certain outdated laws in exchange for the profitable opportunity to take part in this fantastic new industry.
JOHN CLEMMENS: You mean you bribe them?
MR. DENOSTRI: If you want to put it that way, yes. But you have to understand that the concept of bribery has a negative connotation only in the U.S. For the rest of the world it is just part of doing business. In most countries bribes and kickbacks are expected if you want to get anything accomplished.
JOHN CLEMMENS: I see, I’d like to change the subject a little here, are you worried about competition?
MR. DENOSTRI: Not really. See, we hold an exclusive patent on the formula for LS-1 and we have restricted the use of the EM frequency used to detonate it. Oh, I’m sure that we’ll be seeing 3rd rate knock off’s on our process but they will be crude at best and found only in low tourist backwater spots that we don’t have a lock on.
Well, it seems you’ve though of it all and have an exciting and profitable future planned. I wish you luck.