As Jesus came too and looked around the dark cave he was in, he realized he screwed up. When he was Yahweh and picking special abilities for this mortal form he had chosen subtle powers that would impress the primitives, but he didn’t think to include anything that would be useful for getting out of a sealed cave tomb. “I should thought this whole sacrifice thing through better”, he mused to himself.He lay there in the dark contemplating how he could possibly use any of his chosen powers in this situation. Healing? Past that point. Water to wine? He’d gone way too specific on that one, he could only transmute water into another water based substance with minor additive properties that had to be food based. Not really helpful at the moment. Walking on water? Not helpful when sealed into a desert cave.

He tried to get up and found he was still very weakened from the resurrection spell. He’d need some calories fast if he was to figure this out, let alone stay conscious.

He started to think he may not get out of this. Oh the resurrection spell would technically keep him alive, resurrecting him endlessly after every death, only to die again, over and over until somebody came along and opened this damn door. Probably a future archeologist! 2000 years from now.

Ya he’d really screwed up. Gotten too caught up in the moment and rushed into things without thinking, just like those duck billed platypuses!

He was starting to get really anxious now, his thoughts spiraling down into despair, when he heard a scratching at the door. A tiny ray of light, a single sunbeam cut into the darkness of the cave searing his eyes. The light fluttered as something dug at making the opening larger.

“Great” thought Jesus, “next I’ll be eaten by rodents.”

He had no way of knowing what was digging into his tomb and not anywhere near enough strength to do anything about it either. “The creator of the universe couldn’t even fight off a single rat! What a mess”, he thought.

Since all he could do was lie there and wait for whatever was coming, that’s what he did. He grasped at potential ways to fight off the beastie. Maybe turn the water in its body into wine? That could work if it held still long enough, possibly while it chewed off his nose?

The noise suddenly stopped, snapping his morose thoughts back to the moment at hand. More light getting into the cave now and his eyes had adjusted. He could make out something silhouetted in front of the opening.

It was watching him.

Slowly, cautiously, it was approaching him, sniffing the air. It didn’t look like a rat, one small relief.

Eventually it got close enough that he could make out enough details. It was a rabbit! They didn’t usually eat people, at least since the flood. Those pre-flood bunnies were hell on the early humans. Another of those too hasty decisions he’d had to correct.

It hopped right up next to him, sniffing his face and he recognized it!

He knew this bunny! It was Osterhase, one of his special creations bestowed with abilities beyond the norm for its kind. He’d meant them to be species guardians, this one was to watch over normal rabbits since his post flood redesigns left them far meeker than before and he was worried he’d gone too far and they’d be wiped out.

Since Osterhase was one of the specials, he could speak to it in the mortal tongue and it would understand him.

“Oster, help”, he managed to croak out.

The bunny, startled and looked him in the eye.

“Oh ho! What have you gone and done now? I knew the humans put something they thought dangerous in here so I came to have a look. Never thought it’d be you though!”

“I know. Long story. I screwed up. I need..” Jesus was saying when Osterhase cut him off.

“What you need is patience! More consideration before you act!” exclaimed Osterhase. “Oh well, I’m here now, guess I should do what I can. How about some eggs?”

Although Osterhase was a rabbit he could lay eggs. He didn’t fully understand Yahweh’s reason for this, but he could, along with one other thing normal rabbits couldn’t do, though that one only once and he’d die as a result.

Osterhase said, “This won’t be fun for you, and it probably looks terrible, but you need some food and can barely move so..” He straddled Jesus’s mouth and started laying eggs there.

Jesus, to his credit began eating the eggs, shells and all.

After a considerable amount of time Jesus started feeling stronger. The eggs were helping quite a bit. They weren’t normal eggs. He’d wanted them be eggs filled with restorative powers, to strengthen any who ate them. They were working as designed.

When he’d had enough and felt he could do it, he reached up and grabbed Osterhase and removed him from his face saying “You don’t smell great.”

Osterhase just shrugged and said “You seem better, what now?”

Osterhase had a feeling he knew what was coming next. That door was huge and heavy and even a fully restored Jesus would not be able to move it.

“I think you know. This is the time for it” Jesus said as he smiled. “They will be okay. You’ve seen how fast they are, and how quickly they reproduce. They don’t need you to watch over them any more.”

“I know” said Osterhase, “but still, not much of a reward for my curiosity and helping you out is it?”

“No it isn’t” replied Jesus. “I tell you what, how about I see to it that in future the humans will revere you, they won’t know of your sacrifice but they will know you all the same. They will think very highly of you and celebrate your existence. Sound good?”

“Why would they do that? I’m a rabbit” Osterhase asked.

“I’ll figure something out, something to do with the eggs maybe? You could give gifts of food to poor starving children or something. I’ll work out the details later. But you’ll be big I promise. Every human will know of you!” Jesus promised.

Osterhase signed. Given how some of Yahweh’s other designs went he wasn’t sure he’d like what came from all his. But he didn’t really think he had a choice. True he could just hop out of here. But eventually Jesus would get free and return to being Yahweh. And then there’d be a reckoning.

“Let’s get on with it then. I don’t suppose you could make an exception for me in that post life paradise you keep for the humans?” He asked.

“Sorry but no. That really is only for humans. You don’t have the right soul. But if I ever change my mind you’ll be top of the list, okay?” Jesus assured him.

“Typical” thought Osterhas. But he knew this was his purpose. It all made sense now.

“I’m ready” he said as he laid a pile of eggs in the far corner of the cave and then hopped over to the door. “You’ll probably need those after this, might want to cover them with your corpse” Osterhase remarked.

Jesus didn’t approve of Osterhase’s attitude about this but he couldn’t really complain. He did get himself into this situation after all.

“Thanks for this by the way. You’re a good creation” Jesus said.

With that Osterhase used his other ability. He blew up.

The force of the explosion threw the door free of the cave entrance killing Osterhase and Jesus instantly.

Jesus came to in the rubble, the resurrection spell having worked perfectly yet again. Most of the eggs survived as they were sheltered from the blast by Jesus’s body. As Jesus laid there eating the eggs he thought about how to memorialize Osterhase for the sacrifice he’d made, a sacrifice no humans could ever learn about. How could they fear and respect a creator who got himself locked in a cave and needed rescued by a bunny rabbit?

When the eggs were all gone Jesus felt well enough to stand up and dust himself off. As he walked out of the cave he had another thought. What were the odds that Osterhase would show up and help him? The only rabbit in the world that could lay restorative eggs and explode, exactly what he needed to get out of that cave. Jesus must have known what he was doing after all, and as Yahweh designed Osterhase for this.

Yes, Osterhase would be remembered but in a more light hearted way.